Boy, it has been a long time since I have been able to sit down and write.
And I've had so so SO much to say :'[  Matt tells me I should journal more.  
Maybe I will.

Recent happenings:
Barely passed this semester
(And busted a$$ to finish with an 80%)
Had a really rough spot with Matthew </3
(Which changed every aspect of my life)
Wedding dress came in!
(And is now hanging in my mother's closet.)
Found a new love that is... SUSHI
Made up with sister
Neglected daily hygiene
(But finally found Arm&Hammer deodorant <3 )
Kind of missing NYC
(And begging Matt to move us there when we marry)
Still work for Mease Countryside
(Still hate it)
Still planning a wedding
(Not making any progress, though)
Still working on all my relationships
(And ready to fall apart from the stress)
Bought new dresses for a wedding next week
(I couldn't decide on one so I bought several)
Bought Wii Fit
(And am still obsessing over pounds)
Bought NCLEX books
(And gave terror a new name)
Life has turned upside down
(And it isn't what I thought it would be; unhappiness setting in.)


Oh yea, and my dad got fired, my mom went back to work, Matt went back to school, my sister spends 23/24 hours with her beloved boyfriend, and my grandparents are leaving for WI next week.

So basically, my summer is going to be incredibly lonely and depressing.

Maybe I'll work on my tan.

But probably not.  I have an unhealthy fear of skin cancer.

...It's more common than you think...

Most likely I'll write.  And crochet.  And watch TV.  And work.  And sulk.  And long for something better...

Focker, OUT.

My heart is with my mom tonight. On the way home, all I could think about was love. Unconditional love. Agape love. I see it, and I don't understand it.

A while back, my mom wrote me a letter. I wish I could find it, to find what led up to the ending. It disappoints me that I've been looking for it for a few days and have not found it. But to end the letter, she said this:

"...I think that means I'd die for you,
Mom"

Every time I reread those lines in my mind, my eyes flood with tears. How can someone love another so much that they would be willing to die for them? I think I'm struggling with it mostly because I don't know if I love like that, if I CAN love like that. So freely, so unconditionally, so beautifully, like a child. Oh how I wish I could just open my heart that much more. Something is stopping it, and I don't know what. Is it impossible for us as sinners to truly love like this? To be willing to die for those we hold most dear?

I've been dissatisfied with my spiritual life recently. I don't know what it means to constantly be in prayer, to constantly look upward, to constantly be in the Word. I tried to spend my whole time in the car by myself tonight in prayer, and could not concentrate on it for more than 3 minutes. THREE MINUTES. I want a life fully devoted to God. And fully devoted to doing His work, to furthering his kingdom, to the ones I love. Matt and my mom are the two most important people in my life. They know me. All of me; my flaws, my triumphs, my failures, my heart, my mind, everything. But can I really say that I think I would be able to die for them? I started to get scared when the answer kept flashing "no". I want to be able to love them so much that I would be willing to die for them. Father, teach me. Teach me to love so unconditionally, as You do for us. My mom is the truest, purest, most perfect example of God's love for me. I see Him in her. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. He is there, working in her, reaching through her, holding on to me. I am overwhelmed at the love He has for me, and the love He allows my mom to have for me. I have never heard anyone say they would be willing to die for another. I am speechless.

How can I love with agape? I feel Christ is the only one. Is it wrong to so desperately want to love the same way, and be frustrated when I know I am not?

My heart is so heavy. It feels like it is sinking. I don't know why I'm so emotional over this. The tears will not stop falling, even now. I just want so much to live like Him. A perfect life, full of devotion, love, patience, compassion, trust, faithfulness, joy, peace. I always try to keep in my mind the reason I'm here, the reason we are all here: to live as Christ, for Christ. What good is a satisfying life here on earth if we do nothing for our eternal, everlasting life? The most important goal should be to expand the Kingdom of God, reaching others by the way we live our lives. "Go ye, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things I commanded you. And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the earth" (I memorized this in 3rd grade, out of the King James Version LOL... Although I think I'm accidentally mixing a couple versions. Oh well.) Our actions, our words, our trials, our victories... They are all used as tools to bring others to Christ. What good is living if we are not living with this goal in mind?

The words of Paul are so vivid in my mind right now: "To live is Christ; to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

I want this so much for my life that it hurts. Lord, bring me to this point. Humble my character, teach me to live for You.

There is too much I am trying to process about life, faith, and love. It's overwhelming me, eating me up inside. It is all I can think about, all the time.

Deliverance.

Thursday was a clinical day at All Children's Hospital. 
My nurse was too busy, so I wasted time walking up and down the halls, looking in on the different kids.
There was a one month old in a room by himself, with no family around.
Vivienne went in the room with me. Thank God her nurse didn't like her either.
The baby has Trisomy 13, a genetic disorder in which he has an extra chromosome.
He has dextrocardia (his heart is on the opposite side of his body), three extra digits, an umbilical hernia, and deafness, amongst other things.
Of the infants born with this disorder, 80% will not live past one month of age.
18% will not make it past one year.


Baby Barker had a Bible underneath the pillow in his crib. It was open.
On the top of a page was written: "Read Romans 8:28".
So naturally, I read it.

Then Vivienne asks me, "I mean, REALLY. If you had amniocentesis done and
found out your baby was not going to live past a year, wouldn't you just abort it?!"

"No."

"But...... it's just so pointless."

"If this baby wasn't meant to live, he would have died in-utero. We take it upon ourselves
to play God when we mess around with Life and Death. I would not and will not do
anything to take a life. It is not our job to decide who gets a chance to live."

"So.... You're pro-life."

"Vivienne, every life has meaning. EVERY life. Even this baby has a purpose...."

Then we both looked down at this helpless baby, barely hanging on.
We Cried.
I stroked his forehead and said a Prayer.
Then we Washed our hands and left the room.

I came back in before we left, and he stopped breathing for five minutes while I was in there.
FIVE MINUTES. I grabbed my stethoscope and listened to his heart, on the right side of his body.
He still had a heart beat. Maybe this baby wants to live.
Little by little he started to gasp for air. Before I knew it, he was breathing again. Labored and wheezing.
But still breathing.
This baby WANTS to live.

We looked in his chart, and he has a Do Not Resuscitate order.
I started thinking hard about life, and what it means to Choose it.
I used to believe in DNR, because I always felt that if it was your time to die, then it was your Time.
End of story.
But what if one was meant to be resuscitated? To tell their story? To share? To Witness?
What if it was God's plan all along to be saved, for gratitude, for a better chance at life?
And what if the only way you would be able to be saved is if a code was called and people
were rushing, Fighting to save it?
And if you are meant to go, then you die anyway, regardless of the attempts on Salvation.
And what about those that can't choose for themselves? Why should someone else
be in charge of deciding their fate? And if they are terminal anyway? Then what?



I guess I have but one question I need answered, one that may Never be answered.

How can you choose between Life and Death?

P.S.  I put in an application to All Kids.  Pray I get in...

How can someone who has been hurt so much, gone through so much pain, and been through such overwhelming heartbreak, still trust without condition?

While I, having never been through remotely as much pain, and mostly being the one who has done the heartbreaking, can't trust at all?

I have faith in many things. Why do I not have faith in this? He has done nothing to assume infidelity.

Wrestling with my thoughts, trying to make sense of something so unfortunate. 

I regret that I may be too hard to please. I need to recognize, relish, and remember the moments and confirmations given to bless my life. I have so much, yet I struggle with thinking I never have enough. Enough love, enough togetherness, enough emotions.

Why can't I just be content with what I have, not doubting the gorgeous perfection that has come to lay over my life like a blanket of fresh snow? All is white, brilliant, and bright. I need to bask in it's innocent, wonderful glory.

 My life is finally falling into place.

And I'm terrified.

To you {you know who you are}....

I haven't heard from you in a while.
It's late.
I was trying to fall asleep, but you were on my mind. I hope everything turned out the way you wanted it to, the way it was meant to...

You and I are very much alike, you see. For we both are great minds, thinking deeply, yet choose to live and surround ourselves with shallow people.
We think they will save us | We think they will comfort us | We think they will take us to new places | We think they will bring us what we lack | We think they will fill a void.

Take heart, Sweet Child. Know you are not alone. Someday your prince will come. He just may not be in a shiny French cab.

Yours,
A kindred soul.

I had a dream that he was engaged. Before me. Why would I dream that? Why would I be thinking about that in the back of my brain?

I mean, sometimes I wonder if he WAS God's best for me. I can't think that just because we broke up, now we are both better off and are both doing things we wouldn't be doing otherwise if we were still together. But in His perfect will, I know that where our lives are at would have happened anyway. I just wonder... if I didn't screw up and make all of those mistakes, would he still be the one? Would he still have told my dad that he thought we were "soulmates"? I shouldn't be thinking about this. I am happy now.

It was only a dream...

Comments off.

Everyone is arguing with me.

About everything.

It's totally annoying.

Boooo.

I am feeling incredibly unimportant. I don't know if it can continue to work like this. I don't appreciate indifference. And I can't deal with the distance. Fudge.

And sometimes I just wish my f*cking texts were returned in a timely manner. Sometimes I think I'm dating the Disappearing Man. 

Come one, come all!

 Dear  **** ****** (ok, I'm 72% sure it's you who is posting in my entry entitled "Eeek"),

Stop posting on my journal. You are gross! And you post on the same entry every time! Stupid!

Love,
Nikki

"know that you are safe with me

I think I have some serious trust issues.

But how does one get over that?

Please enlighten me if you know. I'm totally interested.

What do I feel?

Tired, hurt, unneeded, moody, depressed, unwanted, unloved, cranky, whiney, annoyed, probed, attacked, on the defense, trapped, caged.

My rebellious, "adventurous" spirit is on the rise once more.

I quoted our skype conversation. Well, bits and pieces. I think it makes a nice story. Maybe I'll start a book.

me: you live in a fairy tale
him: Yes, I do
him: and refuse to be any other way

me: this concerns me
             ...later...
him: what does your week hold? anything exciting?

me: sunny with a chance of i miss you
             ...later...
him: hey, Start up the shack agian, please
me: is it vital to my existence here on earth? will i die without reading it?
him: more vital than livejournal
me: you think the fictional book, "the shack", will bring me to a level of spirituality that i've never known before?
him: so resistant to my help, maybe I'll give up
me: what do you think i need help with
him: Just desire to be helpful is all, like spiritually and stuff
me: i'm starting to get offended
him: I am sorry, I don't have the effort to argue with you. I do not intend to make you feel belittled.
me: i think i'd better go
him: probably
              ...later...
him: don't you know my heart and that I love you
him: Because I do, so very much. I want a relationship with you. Because You are beautiful, smart, kind, loving, God fearing, and love him. Because you give back so much to our relation ship.
him: like a boat
him: relation boat...ok, maybe I just hit the space bar
              ...later...
him: what do you feel?
me: i don't feel anything. i'm numb.
him: so probe deeper, not for me, but what do you feel underneath the numbness?
me: i feel tired, hurt, unneeded, butt-probed by aliens
me: i feel caged.
him: Do you want out?
me: does a caged bird want to fly free?
him: It is nice and safe within your cage, do you want out?
me: what does that mean
him: it means a cage keeps everything scary out
him: everything unwanted, everything out there
me: not necessarily. it means entrapment.
him: how do you want to feel?
me: carefree.

him: I want to assure you that you are very important to me and I desire to be with you very much and hate the hours I spend away from you and love you and believe that you can live free. I know that you are strong.
him: Love and kissses
me: love


Comments off.

Test 2 in theory tomorrow. I think I may vomit. I feel totally unprepared, even though I've spent the last 3 days studying constantly. I brought my med/surg workbook to work today. Thank God I was able to get all my work done early so I could devote the last 3 hours or so to studying. I asked a couple of the nurses about some of the questions in the workbook, and they got them wrong. It's either stuff that they make us fill our brains with that we will never use again, or it's just too much for us to comprehend and keep in our heads. Either way, I'm so tired of trying to cram so much irrelevant information into my brain for these tests. It's such a waste of perfectly good space. Good news about my Pharm test, though. 92% right hurr. That's right, bitches. I know my drugs.

And I want to transfer to surgery. Or peds. Or labor and delivery. Or ICU. Or NICU. I'm tired of cleaning up old people crap on the Telemetry floor. It's disgusting and I hate it. Maybe I should look into becoming a surgical tech. Suh-weeeeeeeet! But I need at least one year of experience in an acute care setting to get into an anesthetist program. Hmmm..... Or I could take that 4 month training and be a monitor tech. How easy would THAT be? They sit at the desk all day and watch the tele monitors. It's like my dream come true. Get paid to sit around and do nothing. Perfect.

I'm going on a diet.

P.S. This post is a tad rant-y. Nursing school stress will do that to you. Just disregard this post if you are "offended" or don't think I should have chosen nursing as a career. All I hear is "blah blah blah". And I'm off to study....

Sometimes life doesn't go the way you envisioned it to go. Sometimes, you wish for something different; something better. And sometimes, it is just perfect. But you just can't seem to find happiness amidst the perfect. If only for just a day.

I have been depressed all day. Matthew left for Gainesville again. I just can't do this. I hate having to say goodbye as it is. I have never liked goodbyes. And the more I am left, the more I hate them. I have such a fear of being left. It's almost unhealthy. I nightmare about it on a regular basis.

I don't know if it is insecurity or foolishness. I feel so uncomfortable when he is gone. I don't want him to meet someone else. I know I need to have faith and trust in our relationship. But I will always wonder, always pray that he doesn't meet someone else. It's hard being so far away from the one you love. I just don't want to lose him.

He went to a group for Christian college kids to get together and discuss whatever they feel they would like to discuss regarding spiritual issues. Maybe what I feel is left out. Not just left, but left OUT. I want to be a part of his life. And when he starts going to new things, or making new friends, I feel like I'm not being included. I'm missing out on a whole aspect to his life.

Or maybe I feel at a stand still. He's out there, making friends, interacting with other Christians, and I'm stuck here. In a town where I'm too known and there is no one here I want to befriend. I just don't want to be left in the dust. I don't want to be standing still while he's soaring on ahead of me.

Finding it hard to put my feelings, thoughts, and emotions into words tonight. I need to sleep on it. I just know that I'm not happy right now, tonight. Maybe it's PMS... In any event, this post was stupid and rather selfish. Mostly for me to get out, in some sort of way, a slice of what I have been feeling lately. Disregard it.

Dry your tears, pretty girl.

Lyrics, as always. Rilo Kiley was playing when I was half way done with this entry. And it's just perfect. I love that.

"There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And It's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you

'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
then touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

That you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you "
                        - Rilo Kiley, Portions for Foxes

 Hi Lovies,

I am watching Matthew walk around his room in Gainesville in his skivvies right now. LOL. Skype video is a beautiful thing.

Feeling like I've gained a few pounds.  I think when I'm stressed out, I lose a lot of weight. Or if I am in a bad relationship. Like when I was dating Joe, and that thing with Frenchman. But now that everything is falling in place in my life, I think I'm gaining. Which I'm not happy about. Because it's not a GOOD gain. It's a fast food gain. Gross. I need to start exercising. Grr.

"Live your life to make certain that when you wake up tomorrow, you’re exactly where you want to be."

Today, Matthew told me he was hit by a car yesterday afternoon. I was so worried about him, then I got pissed because I realize he didn't tell me until this afternoon. He waited a whole day to tell me. And I had been in contact with him yesterday and this morning. I got really nervous, really upset. It started raining outside. I felt my mood matched the weather. So perfect how that happens.

I realized I think I'm scathed more from my past relationships than I thought. I want so much to be the only one in someone's life. And since I wasn't in the past couple relationships, I have a fear that I won't be now. Especially since he lives far away during the school year. At least he comes home to see me, and I can go visit him. I went up there on Friday and stayed with him until Monday morning. Then I drove him to class and then drove home. So sad. I hate leaving him. It's so hard to say goodbye every time. But I've come to realize something today. His love for me is so strong. I don't think it will change any time soon. We fit so well together. He is always telling me what a perfect match we are! And the best part about this relationship is that he feels the same way I do. I'm so glad I've found someone who loves me and wants me the same as I do them! We both can't wait until I'm done with school. We are going to get married in Spring of 2010! I'm so excited for that! He's so perfect for me in every way. I have never known a love like this before. It's simply wonderful. I love falling asleep in his arms and waking up to his gorgeous face in the mornings. I just love him with all of my heart! I can't wait to be his wife! I'm so happy!!

"So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton. So, go get him, for Pete's sake!"

The one thing I'm worried about, working at the hospital, is catching the infections and diseases that my patients have. I work on a floor with all private rooms, so we get a lot of isolation patients. I work everyday with people who have C-Diff (horrible, uncontrollable diarrhea), VRE (not sure what this is), MRSA (staph that's resistant to meds), and a ton of other crazy infections. I just hope I'm doing enough handwashing and gloving when doing procedures. But sometimes it's hard to remember to wash your hands all the time. Especially when there are so many little Purell-like pumps in every room. I have a cold right now, and I know my immune system isn't great. I really am going to be praying for my health as I take on this job :/ I definitely know I need to cut back on my hours. I am working Mondays 3p-11p, then I have to go home, shower, bed, get up again and go for the 7a-3p shift on Tuesday. What a horrible schedule! Then I do every other Saturday 7a-3p. I am going to tell my nurse manager, Linda, that I can't work Tuesdays anymore. It's just too much, especially with being a full time nursing student. And I'm going to switch Saturday shift from 7a-3p to 3p-11p. The evenings are so much better to work! There is less you have to do, more downtime to get homework done and such, and everyone is quieter. 

Well, I've had an incredibly long day today and am not feeling too great, so I leave you darlin' chicks with some beautiful lyrics:

"Yesterday 
I woke up 
With your head on my arm 
My hand was numb 
Circulation gone 
But I dared not move the pretty sleeping one 

The sun had painted 
Patterns on your face 
As you breathed Sunday air 
You rolled onto 
My open arm 
I became your pillow; you let smooth your hair 

I will sing you morning lullabies 
You are beautiful and peaceful this way 
I know you have to close your eyes on everyone 
Let me help you, I'll sing you to sleep 
With morning lullabies 

Let me lie in the curve 
Of your body tonight 
And I will hear you tumble into sleep 
I will watch you heal, I'll watch you heal with me 

I will sing you morning lullabies 
You are beautiful and peaceful this way 
I know you have to close your eyes on everyone 
Let me help you, I'll sing you sleep 
With morning lullabies 

I know you have to close 
Your eyes on everyone 
Let me help you I'll sing you to sleep 
With morning lulla-bye, bye, baby 
Close your eyes and I will sing you 
Morning lullabies 
And I will sing you 
Morning lullabies"
          -Ingrid Michaelson, Morning Lullabies