Happy 2 year anniversary to me today - signing my divorce papers tomorrow.

He asks to stop by. I tell him no. But not because I don't want to see him.

But because I haven't been able to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks since 4am this morning.

Sometimes I wonder how people see me as so strong. It's the last word I would use to describe me in this moment.

Kind of thinking about a lot of things lately.


"People break down into two groups when the experience something lucky. Group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for them. Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance. I'm sure the people in Group number two are looking at those fourteen lights in a very suspicious way. For them, the situation isn't fifty-fifty. Could be bad, could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they're on their own. And that fills them with fear. Yeah, there are those people. But there's a whole lot of people in the Group number one. When they see those fourteen lights, they're looking at a miracle. And deep down, they feel that whatever's going to happen, there will be someone there to help them. And that fills them with hope. See, what you have to ask yourself is, what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences?"                    

--Signs.


(So much has happened in my life; I should have been writing all this time.)

Boy, it has been a long time since I have been able to sit down and write.
And I've had so so SO much to say :'[  Matt tells me I should journal more.  
Maybe I will.

Recent happenings:
Barely passed this semester
(And busted a$$ to finish with an 80%)
Had a really rough spot with Matthew </3
(Which changed every aspect of my life)
Wedding dress came in!
(And is now hanging in my mother's closet.)
Found a new love that is... SUSHI
Made up with sister
Neglected daily hygiene
(But finally found Arm&Hammer deodorant <3 )
Kind of missing NYC
(And begging Matt to move us there when we marry)
Still work for Mease Countryside
(Still hate it)
Still planning a wedding
(Not making any progress, though)
Still working on all my relationships
(And ready to fall apart from the stress)
Bought new dresses for a wedding next week
(I couldn't decide on one so I bought several)
Bought Wii Fit
(And am still obsessing over pounds)
Bought NCLEX books
(And gave terror a new name)
Life has turned upside down
(And it isn't what I thought it would be; unhappiness setting in.)


Oh yea, and my dad got fired, my mom went back to work, Matt went back to school, my sister spends 23/24 hours with her beloved boyfriend, and my grandparents are leaving for WI next week.

So basically, my summer is going to be incredibly lonely and depressing.

Maybe I'll work on my tan.

But probably not.  I have an unhealthy fear of skin cancer.

...It's more common than you think...

Most likely I'll write.  And crochet.  And watch TV.  And work.  And sulk.  And long for something better...

Focker, OUT.

My heart is with my mom tonight. On the way home, all I could think about was love. Unconditional love. Agape love. I see it, and I don't understand it.

A while back, my mom wrote me a letter. I wish I could find it, to find what led up to the ending. It disappoints me that I've been looking for it for a few days and have not found it. But to end the letter, she said this:

"...I think that means I'd die for you,
Mom"

Every time I reread those lines in my mind, my eyes flood with tears. How can someone love another so much that they would be willing to die for them? I think I'm struggling with it mostly because I don't know if I love like that, if I CAN love like that. So freely, so unconditionally, so beautifully, like a child. Oh how I wish I could just open my heart that much more. Something is stopping it, and I don't know what. Is it impossible for us as sinners to truly love like this? To be willing to die for those we hold most dear?

I've been dissatisfied with my spiritual life recently. I don't know what it means to constantly be in prayer, to constantly look upward, to constantly be in the Word. I tried to spend my whole time in the car by myself tonight in prayer, and could not concentrate on it for more than 3 minutes. THREE MINUTES. I want a life fully devoted to God. And fully devoted to doing His work, to furthering his kingdom, to the ones I love. Matt and my mom are the two most important people in my life. They know me. All of me; my flaws, my triumphs, my failures, my heart, my mind, everything. But can I really say that I think I would be able to die for them? I started to get scared when the answer kept flashing "no". I want to be able to love them so much that I would be willing to die for them. Father, teach me. Teach me to love so unconditionally, as You do for us. My mom is the truest, purest, most perfect example of God's love for me. I see Him in her. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. He is there, working in her, reaching through her, holding on to me. I am overwhelmed at the love He has for me, and the love He allows my mom to have for me. I have never heard anyone say they would be willing to die for another. I am speechless.

How can I love with agape? I feel Christ is the only one. Is it wrong to so desperately want to love the same way, and be frustrated when I know I am not?

My heart is so heavy. It feels like it is sinking. I don't know why I'm so emotional over this. The tears will not stop falling, even now. I just want so much to live like Him. A perfect life, full of devotion, love, patience, compassion, trust, faithfulness, joy, peace. I always try to keep in my mind the reason I'm here, the reason we are all here: to live as Christ, for Christ. What good is a satisfying life here on earth if we do nothing for our eternal, everlasting life? The most important goal should be to expand the Kingdom of God, reaching others by the way we live our lives. "Go ye, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things I commanded you. And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the earth" (I memorized this in 3rd grade, out of the King James Version LOL... Although I think I'm accidentally mixing a couple versions. Oh well.) Our actions, our words, our trials, our victories... They are all used as tools to bring others to Christ. What good is living if we are not living with this goal in mind?

The words of Paul are so vivid in my mind right now: "To live is Christ; to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

I want this so much for my life that it hurts. Lord, bring me to this point. Humble my character, teach me to live for You.

There is too much I am trying to process about life, faith, and love. It's overwhelming me, eating me up inside. It is all I can think about, all the time.

Deliverance.

Thursday was a clinical day at All Children's Hospital. 
My nurse was too busy, so I wasted time walking up and down the halls, looking in on the different kids.
There was a one month old in a room by himself, with no family around.
Vivienne went in the room with me. Thank God her nurse didn't like her either.
The baby has Trisomy 13, a genetic disorder in which he has an extra chromosome.
He has dextrocardia (his heart is on the opposite side of his body), three extra digits, an umbilical hernia, and deafness, amongst other things.
Of the infants born with this disorder, 80% will not live past one month of age.
18% will not make it past one year.


Baby Barker had a Bible underneath the pillow in his crib. It was open.
On the top of a page was written: "Read Romans 8:28".
So naturally, I read it.

Then Vivienne asks me, "I mean, REALLY. If you had amniocentesis done and
found out your baby was not going to live past a year, wouldn't you just abort it?!"

"No."

"But...... it's just so pointless."

"If this baby wasn't meant to live, he would have died in-utero. We take it upon ourselves
to play God when we mess around with Life and Death. I would not and will not do
anything to take a life. It is not our job to decide who gets a chance to live."

"So.... You're pro-life."

"Vivienne, every life has meaning. EVERY life. Even this baby has a purpose...."

Then we both looked down at this helpless baby, barely hanging on.
We Cried.
I stroked his forehead and said a Prayer.
Then we Washed our hands and left the room.

I came back in before we left, and he stopped breathing for five minutes while I was in there.
FIVE MINUTES. I grabbed my stethoscope and listened to his heart, on the right side of his body.
He still had a heart beat. Maybe this baby wants to live.
Little by little he started to gasp for air. Before I knew it, he was breathing again. Labored and wheezing.
But still breathing.
This baby WANTS to live.

We looked in his chart, and he has a Do Not Resuscitate order.
I started thinking hard about life, and what it means to Choose it.
I used to believe in DNR, because I always felt that if it was your time to die, then it was your Time.
End of story.
But what if one was meant to be resuscitated? To tell their story? To share? To Witness?
What if it was God's plan all along to be saved, for gratitude, for a better chance at life?
And what if the only way you would be able to be saved is if a code was called and people
were rushing, Fighting to save it?
And if you are meant to go, then you die anyway, regardless of the attempts on Salvation.
And what about those that can't choose for themselves? Why should someone else
be in charge of deciding their fate? And if they are terminal anyway? Then what?



I guess I have but one question I need answered, one that may Never be answered.

How can you choose between Life and Death?

P.S.  I put in an application to All Kids.  Pray I get in...

How can someone who has been hurt so much, gone through so much pain, and been through such overwhelming heartbreak, still trust without condition?

While I, having never been through remotely as much pain, and mostly being the one who has done the heartbreaking, can't trust at all?

I have faith in many things. Why do I not have faith in this? He has done nothing to assume infidelity.

Wrestling with my thoughts, trying to make sense of something so unfortunate. 

I regret that I may be too hard to please. I need to recognize, relish, and remember the moments and confirmations given to bless my life. I have so much, yet I struggle with thinking I never have enough. Enough love, enough togetherness, enough emotions.

Why can't I just be content with what I have, not doubting the gorgeous perfection that has come to lay over my life like a blanket of fresh snow? All is white, brilliant, and bright. I need to bask in it's innocent, wonderful glory.

 My life is finally falling into place.

And I'm terrified.

To you {you know who you are}....

I haven't heard from you in a while.
It's late.
I was trying to fall asleep, but you were on my mind. I hope everything turned out the way you wanted it to, the way it was meant to...

You and I are very much alike, you see. For we both are great minds, thinking deeply, yet choose to live and surround ourselves with shallow people.
We think they will save us | We think they will comfort us | We think they will take us to new places | We think they will bring us what we lack | We think they will fill a void.

Take heart, Sweet Child. Know you are not alone. Someday your prince will come. He just may not be in a shiny French cab.

Yours,
A kindred soul.